Linn-Benton Backwash

Do dumb scams exist everywhere, or just in small towns? Is it just because there’s so little else to report on that we end up featuring it, or is it specifically a crime unique to the back woods? Wait, are we all dumb out here? Am I dumb?!

Don’t answer that. Trust me… it won’t end well for either of us.

Anyway, as if last week’s edition didn’t say enough on the matter, this week we’ve got the county warning restaurant owners that some dorks are calling on behalf of the Environmental Health Division (only not really), claiming that they owe money in order to make off with credit card details. Seriously, why not just rob someone? At least then they wouldn’t be able to say “uh, no thanks. I’m hanging up now.” I mean, they might whip out nun-chucks and flimflam you in the no no zone. Hmmm, okay, maybe I get it now. The phone thing seems less dangerous.

In other news, some local high schoolers from both Corvallis and Albany are going head-to-head in an annual statewide contest for making a… safety… video. As in workplace safety. Yeah. Well. It could be really funny, who knows. And there’s a potential $500 cash prize for the winners. The students from West Albany High won third place last year. Here’s to hoping locals win! Even if my ethical responsibilities as a journalist prevent me from printing their names. Because safety is lame.

Last but not least this week, we have Lebanon’s Western University of Health Science College of Osteopathic Medicine of the Pacific-Northwest (seriously, that’s its name). Every year they host a “Mini Medical School” in which tiny kids get to have fun learning about handwashing and some other stuff. Unfortunately, the “other stuff” part includes a mock surgery table where a kid gets to wear an apron with stuffed organs all over it while a team of “surgeons” surround them poking and prodding at their entrails. I’m sure it is really fun and informative, but it seems like one of those moments you have to just hope that aliens aren’t watching.

Linn-Benton Backwash is a barely-coherent satire with a teaspoon of white-knighting, a pinch of bald-faced lies, and dash of pooptalk. In other words, don’t take it too seriously – nobody here does; especially the author.

By Johnny Beaver